May 22nd, 1998
Volume One, Issue One
Welcome ~ Jerome Wetzel, Editor
Interview with High Adm. Baboon ~ Dirty Rat, * Reporter
Funny Shorts ~ Mr. I. M. Funnie
The Horror Story of the Month: The Cafeteria ~ The Scary Clown
Contest ~ Mr. R. U. Lukie
Spoof: Titan of Ick ~ Crack, died on the Titan
Goodbye ~ Jerome Wetzel
Welcome
Welcome subscribers! This is the first issue of Bouncing Off the Walls. This is your editor in chief, Jerome Wetzel, wishing you all a barrel of laughs. *Note: all interviews and stories are NOT necessarily true. And id you don't like it, too bad!
Interview With High Adm. Grey Baboon
Interview by Dirty Rat, our Star Reporter.
D.R.: What exactly do you do?
G.B.: I sit on my butt and do nothing.
D.R.: But your job description says you command Starfleece and all that's in it.
G.B.: That's my description. I'm the head honcho, I make the rules. I have suckers like Capt. Wet-Zell that will run things while I stuff my face. D.R.: So, you're really a fake?
G.B.: Is Bill Clinton honest?
D.R.: I see your point. O.k. What do you think about Capt. Wet-Zell
G.B.: He's a big, fat dork. He is a loser, and can be manipulated by anyone. I think he should go back where he came from.
D.R.: That's very interesting.
G.B.: I know, and guess what else? He wears diapers!
D.R.: No! Anymore secrets?
G.B.: Yea! He picks his nose and wipes it under the command chair! And he actually sneezed in the pudding he made last month! And he…
D.R.: I think that's enough. Wanna know a secret?
G.B.: Yea!
D.R.: Capt. Wet-Zell is in the other room listening to this interview.
G.B.: NOOOO!!!!!!! I'm ruined!!!!!
Capt. Germ-Rome Wet-Zell enters.
G.W.: I have you now! I'll expose you!
G.B.: Then I'll expose your wear diapers, and pick your nose, and…
G.R.: Alright, alright! I'll keep your secret.
D.R.: Another day in the parody UFK.
Funny Shorts
By Mr. I. M. Funnie
#1 Boy #1: Did you hear about the boy who were jeans to school?
Boy #2: No, what happened?
Boy #1: He got sent home early for wearing shorts that were too short.
Boy #2: How can jeans by too short?
Boy #1: The jeans were made for a 2 year old!
#2 Capt. Pieace: Woof, did you make arrangements for my date?
Woof: No, Capt.
Dr. Orange: I did, Capt.
Pieace: Why couldn't I have dated her instead of the Kling-On!
#3 Fly #1: What's up?
Fly #2: That flyswatter! Duck!
Fly #1: Duck? Where?
#4 Teacher: O.k., class today we're going to learn about history.
Kid: I already know all of history.
Teacher: Oh really?
Kid: Yes, would you like me to recite it?
Teacher: Yes.
Kid: O.k. First here I was swimming down this canal with all these other things swimming beside me… <6 hrs. later> …and then I came into this class and you said we're going to learn about history.
Teacher: But that's only your history, what about everyone else?
Kid: They can go next.
#5 IBM #1: My DRV is bigger then your RAM and my CD is cooler than your ROM, plus my HDR has a QKSP!
IBM #2: So? I have a DUMMY at my KEYBOARD!
Horror Story of the Week:
The Cafeteria
By: The Scary Clown.
WARNING: May be VERY scary, than again, may not be.
One day a boy went into a cafeteria. He got in the lunch line and fingered his change. "Can I have the Surprise Lunch?" he asked. Everyone gasped. No one ordered school lunches, especially not the Surprise! They just ordered bags of chips, Italian ice, and Hawaiian Punch.
"Would you like you vegetable surprise?" asked the cook.
"Yes please," said the boy. They all gasped again.
"Here you go son." Everyone gasped again. HE was the lunch lady's son? No wonder he ate the lunch. The boy approached the counter and checked out. He sat down at a table. Everyone gathered around him and watched carefully. He pulled out a Barney bib and put it on. Everyone gasped again. Several people ran in fright, more fainted. The boy lifted a BIG helping of the Surprise into his mouth. It was grey, with hints of green. It wobbled to and fro. Everyone watched intently. Then he ate it.
People ran in fright. Only one person remained. That was the Scary Clown, the most frightening person in the world. He had scared a few kids who had been in the back. Everyone else ran because they saw the lunch. The Scary Clown then got so afraid, he ran.
In the office, the staff had turned the security camera off and were huddled under a desk.
All through the school people cowered in their lockers, and behind drinking fountains. All waited.
Then they heard the scream. The scream was cut short by a big PLOP and then all was silent. Cautiously a kid crept into the cafeteria. He looked at the table where the kid has sat a moment before. All there was now was the big gray hunk of strange matter. He looked in the kitchen. The cook was also gone. He ran.
Contest
By: Mr. R. U. Lukie
Here there, ho there! Step right up! Enter into this fabulous contest right now! Write a sequel to "The Cafeteria" and win this excellent prizes! All stories must be sent in by June 8th. Hurry, hurry, hurry or you'll miss the chance of a lime time - a chance
Not interested in writing about "The Cafeteria"? That's o.k. We have other great prizes for other cool contests! Write a story, and kind, funny, scary, other, and your story could be published in THIS newsletter, plus you get the prize. Isn't that great? In August, all the winners of all the contests will be registered to win a REALLY BIG prize. Enter today!
Spoof:
Titan of Ick
By: Crack, The following Story is rated PG-13, if you're not aloud to see PG-13 movies, please skip over this. There is no cussing, but there are some questionable remarks.
Crack laid down his poker hand. The Russians eyed him critically. "5 Aces!" he crowed. He raked in the pile of coal and the Titan of Ick Boarding Pass.
"Wait a second," said one Russian. "FIVE aces?"
"Uh, yeah. Americans play with 5 aces."
"Really?" said the burly Russian.
"Yeah, gotta go. Bye!" Crack ran towards the ship. He had plenty of time to get there before it left. His friend, Friday, ran with him.
Crack ran down and dumped his bags in his cabin. He ran back out.
"Where's Hitler Jr.?" asked one.
That night Crack sat on the third class deck. Up on the first class deck he saw a beautiful lady named Thorn standing next to the railing. "Don't jump!" he yelled.
"AHHH!" she fell over the railing and bounced on the second deck and unto the third deck. Crack ran over to her. He tripped on a pile of rope and shoved her over the railing. She hang on, barely.
"Hi, I'm Crack. Don't jump."
"I'm not going to, you idiot!"
"Oh, denial is the first sign. You're beautiful. Let me help you up."
"NO! I mean, I'll do it myself." Thorn starts to climb up, but she slips when Crack tries to help her. He grabs her and she manages to swing under the railing and back onto the deck.
"Is he hurting you, dear? Seize him!" said her overprotecting fiancé, Greede, as he walked onto the deck.
"No! He's my friend!" said Thorn. Actually she just thought he had a cute butt, and that's why she saved him.
"Here's some coal. Be gone!"
"Wait a second!" said Thorn. "Let him serve us dinner!" So I can look at his butt, she added silently.
"O.k., you can join us for dinner," said the fiancé.
"Come on sugar, of I wish you were sugar so I could eat you! How do you like the clothes?" said The Very Sinkable Malle Black as Crack came out of her dressing room.
"Well, the dress is a little big…"
"It falls off you! Why don't you try it on without wearing your clothes underneath. Maybe that will help."
"How about I try on this suit you conveniently have with you."
"Oh, all right. Let's go to dinner."
"I thought you were serving dinner," said Thorn.
"I was," said Crack. "On the third deck, thanks for getting me out of it. Can I sit next to you?"
"No!" said Greede.
"Sit next to me, sugar," said Malle.
"Do I have to?" said Crack.
"Yes," said Malle.
"Wanna go down to the third deck?" asked Crack.
"Sure!" said Malle.
"Weight restriction, sorry," said Crack.
"Why do men always say that?" asked Malle.
"I'll come," said Thorn, shoving Greede off her and wiping his drool off her sleeve. She tried to walk behind Crack, but he pulled her up to him. They made their way to the third deck.
"Let's dance," said Crack.
"Only if you let me get drunk first."
"O.k.!"
"Whoo hoo!" said Thorn.
"Time to go," said Crack.
"But…" said Thorn.
"I want to paint you."
"No!"
"I'll let you look at my butt."
"Let's go!"
"What a great picture!" said Thorn. Crack had drawn her to look like a supermodel.
"I know," said Crack.
"Arrest him, he stole my watch!" said Greede, coming in.
"He doesn't have it on him," said the Butler, Mr. Stick-In-The-Mud.
"Oh yeah. Here," Greede thrusts the watch into Crack's hand. "Arrest him."
"No!" said Crack as they led him away. Thorn admired him butt.
"It's sinking!" screamed Malle as she climbed in the lifeboat with difficulty.
"Lifeboat full," said the first mate.
"But only Malle is on it!" protested Thorn's mother.
"O.k., o.k. Three more people."
"Let me in!" screamed the mother.
"Hey Thorn! Get in! Greede will be here soon!" said Malle.
"I, um, have to, uh…go rescue Crack! That's it!" She ran as far from Greede and her mother as possible.
"Where am I?' asked Thorn, lost on the fourth deck.
"Thorn!" called Crack.
"I guess I do have to rescue him. Oh well." She went into his room and cut the handcuffs off in one swipe, because she was a Champion Cutter.
"Let's go!" said Crack.
"O.k." They ran up.
"Look, the boat's tilting!" said Crack.
"No it's not," said Thorn.
"It will, I read the script. Let's get to the end before everyone else crowds it." They ran to one end. "No cook, we must be at the wrong end!" They ran to the other end. "Here we go!"
"AHHH!" screamed the cook as he fell overboard.
"This is where we first met!" said Crack.
"No it's not. We met at the other end," said Thorn.
"Here comes the water!" They hit it.
"Let's climb on this door," said Crack.
"Thanks," said Thorn pulling herself up.
"Help me up," said Crack.
"Find your own door!" said Thorn.
"I'm your boyfriend!"
"No you're not! I'm engaged. Go away."
"I'm dying."
"I don't care." Crack slipped to the bottom, dead.
Goodbye
By: Jerome Wetzel
Goodbye. Thanks for reading. See you next time.