June 5th, 1998
Volume One, Issue Three
Welcome Again ~ Jerome Wetzel, Editor
Interview with Dr. Banana ~ Dirty Rat, * Reporter
Even More Funny Shorts ~ Mr. I. M. Funnie
The Horror Story of the Week: "Cafeteria Part 3" ~ The
Scary Clown
REAL STORY: Logs ~ SW
Spoof: Rathunt ~ Ernest, older Smutz brother
Goodbye ~ Jerome Wetzel
Welcome Again
Third issue! Can you believe it? Welcome back people! I'm in the house! How are you all? I need more horror stories (they don't have to be about the Cafeteria, but they can be) and spoofs (I don't want to write them all). Anyone? Please? This is YOUR magazine, give me some input! This week's spoof is a new to video movie, definitely for all ages. I hope you enjoy it. As always, feel free to send questions or comments to Actors_Nightmare@hotmail.com Thank you! *NOTE: all stories and interviews are NOT necessarily true (except the REAL story) and if you don't like it, too bad!
Interview With Dr. Banana,
CMO Us Cockroach
Interview by Dirty Rat, our Star Reporter.
D.R.: What's new?
D.B.: I'm in a SuperLog!
D.R.: What?!
D.B.: One of Germ-Rome's 4 part logs. It's called the Anna Log.
D.R.: O.k. Anything else?
D.B.: That Germ-Rome is so cool, putting me in a log!
D.R.: Yes…
D.B.: And I never do anything for him!
D.R.: That's…
D.B.: (like Lucille Ball) WAAAAHH!!!!!!!
D.R.: Calm…
D.B.: I mean, he remembers me!
D.R.: Yes…
D.B.: Isn't that great?
D.R.: That's all…
D.B.: …the time we have. Bye!
Even More Funny Shorts
By Mr. I. M. Funnie
#1 (the story) Three ropes wanted to go into a bar and get a Coke. The first rope said he would get one. His friends told him he couldn't because they didn't serve ropes.
#2 (rope 1) Rope 1: Bartender, please give me a Coke.
Bartender: You a rope?
Rope 1: Yeah.
Bartender: We don't serve ropes here.
#3 (rope 2) Rope 1: You were right. They don't serve ropes here.
Rope 2: Let me ask. (slams fist on counter) Bartender! Get me a Coke!
Bartender: O.k.…you're a rope! Get out of here!
Rope 2: You're right! They don't serve ropes here.
#4 (rope 3) Rope 3: Let ME ask! (he messes up his hair, and twists himself all around) Give me a Coke!
Bartender: You're a rope!
Rope 3: I'm a frayed knot! #5 (alternate ending) Rope 3: Do you serve ropes?
Bartender: No, we serve Coke!
Horror Story of the Week:
"Cafeteria Part 3"
By: The Scary Clown
This is the sequel to "The Cafeteria" and "racecaR"
WARNING: May be VERY scary, than again, may not be.
The boy laughed as racecaR and the others ran. His mom was the cook and she served him mixed up potatoes and gravy, not Surprise!
"Hey son!" said his mom. "Get back here! We'll give those kids a scare!"
"O.k." said the boy. He hid in the kitchen with his mom. He screamed to fake them our and made a PLOP sound.
The kids came back. They looked around, but couldn't find the boy or his mom who had hidden in the freezer.
"!me scares This," said racecaR.
"The door is locked!" said the cook.
"Get me out!" said the boy.
"The freezer is sound proof. Who could have locked us in here?" asked the cook.
"AAAAAHH!" said the boy.
You continue it!
REAL STORY: Logs
By: SW
I hope you have read my Super Logs #1 and #2. #1 was The Greg Log or "To Gregory on His 15th Birthday". Greg lost his memory. Or said he did. Nate helped him pull off the trick that sent the UFK into Chaos.
#2 was The SW Log or "When Universes Collide" Part 4 will be sent out soon. Capt. Germ-Rome led a new warship bent on bringing humor to the REAL universe, which ripped the fabric of space. They closed the rip, leaving someone stranded on the wrong side.
Here is a quick schedule:
Summer '98 The Jerome Log or "An Adventure With Worf" part 1 half written
Fall '98 The Pane Log or "Help! Help!!! HELP!!!"
Winter '99 The Deep Space 8 Log or "Into the Darkness…"
Spring '99 The Anna Log or "Captain, My Captain"
Spoof:
Rathunt
By: Ernest, elder Smutz brother
Rated G for General Audiences
Ernest and Lard Smutz looked at the lawyer.
"We get a lousy rope factory?!" said Ernest.
"We get a cool rope factory?!" said Lard.
"Yes, and a lousy house," said the lawyer. Pop's picture looked at them.
"Look at this house! I bet it has mice!" said Lard.
"One rat," said Ernest. "I read the movie title."
"Let's get a killer turtle!"
"Yeah, that'll kill it!"
The killer turtle busted out of it's bowl. It ran at the rat. The rat climbed through a dumb waiter. The turtle opened the hole and climbed into the box. The rat chewed a rope and the film guys spliced it in to look like the rat caused the turtle to fall. The turtle was really too fat, so he fell and died.
"Did anyone want to buy the factory?" asked Ernest.
"Yes, but Pop said not to say it."
"When?"
"They cut that scene."
"I'm going to sell it anyway."
"You'll get hit by a truck."
"How do you know?"
"I read the script."
"Do I sell it?"
"No."
"Then it's not worth it."
"Mr. Julius here to get rid of your rat!"
"In there." said Ernest as he and Lard fled.
"Hey rat! I'm going to kill you!" yelled Julius. He put a bomb on the floor. Then he went upstairs and but a camera in the ceiling. The rat bit the cord. Julius tripped and fell down the steps. He hit his truck and sent it rolling.
"Auction time!" said Ernest.
"I'm turning on the hose," said Lard.
"6 million!" said the fat guy.
"For the house?"
"No, for the hose!"
"It's not for sale!"
"10 million for the house."
"11 and that's my final offer," said the cowboy.
"16."
"24," said the cowboy.
"25 for the hose!" said the fat man. Then the house fell down.
"Forget the 24 mil," said the cowboy.
"Hey! Let's make string meat!" said Lard.
"And use the rat as a taste tester!" said Ernest.
"O.k." said the rat.
The End
Goodbye
By: Jerome Wetzel
Goodbye. Thanks for reading. See you next time.