June 26th, 1998
Volume One, Issue Six
Welcome Yet Again ~ Jerome Wetzel, Editor
Interview with Slim Carry ~ Dirty Rat, * Reporter
Even More and More Funny Shorts ~ Mr. I. M. Funnie
The Horror Story of the Week: "Cafeteria Part 6" ~ The
Scary Clown
REAL STORY: Is Your Pet Weird? ~ Jerome Wetzel
Spoof: D3000: The Not So Mighty Geese ~ Barley
Goodbye ~ Jerome Wetzel
Quote ~ Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes
Welcome Yet Again
By: Jerome Wetzel, Editor
Give it up for #6! Will you please write some stories (horror, spoofs, quotes, interviews, funny shorts, etc.)? I know you can write, no matter what you claim. Send 'em, I'll edit them. Even send just an idea! As always, feel free to send questions or comments to Actors_Nightmare@hotmail.com Enjoy this issue! *NOTE: all stories and interviews are NOT necessarily true (except the REAL story and quote) and if you don't like it, too bad!
Interview With Slim Carry
Interview by Dirty Rat, our * Reporter
D.R.: Can you please list some of your movies for us?
S.C.: Sure! I've been in "The Visor", "Spade Ingeorgia: Pet
Guy", "Spade Ingeorgia 2: When Nature Bites", and "The T.V.
Guy".
D.R.: Tell us about "Spade Ingeorgia 2".
S.C.: Sssssssomebody ssssstart me! I had to go rescue a flying mouse. He bit me and I got rabies.
D.R.: O.k. How about the first "Spade Ingeorgia"?
S.C.: Ssssssteaming! I rescued a big fish that played football.
D.R.: "The Visor"?
S.C.: I found this visor, that when I put it on, it made me sick and turn green, and in response, I hurt people.
D.R.: Interesting. How about "The T.V. Guy"?
S.C.: All I did was put in t.v. wire for a living and made this guy miserable.
D.R.: Weren't you in an old vampire movie?
S.C.: Yes.
D.R.: Can you tell us about it?
S.C.: No, it was so long ago I don't remember.
D.R.: Have you been on t.v.?
S.C.: Yes I was in Tuesday Morning Dead.
D.R.: What's that?
S.C.: A bunch of skits. Sort of like MadTV.
D.R.: What's your new movie?
S.C.: "The True Man Program".
D.R.: Can you tell us about it?
S.C.: I am on the movies all my life, and then I want to become a NASA technician.
D.R.: That's all the time we have. Bye!
Even More and More Funny Shorts
By Mr. I. M. Funnie
#1 Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
#2 (alternate) Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the Budweiser.
#3 Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
#4 Three men walk into a hotel. There is one room left. The man at the desk says it's haunted. The first man says he's not afraid and goes up. He hears a voice. "Now I got you right where I want you, now I'm going to eat ya!" The man runs out. The second man also says he's not afraid and goes up. He hears the same voice. "Now I got you right where I want you. now I'm going to eat ya!" He also runs out. The third man goes up, claiming he's not afraid. He hears the same voice. "Now I got you right where I want you, now I'm going to eat ya!" He opens the door and sees a boy on the bed. The boy is picking his nose and eating the boogers!
#5 Where can you find spiders on your computer?
On the web!
Horror Story of the Week:
"Cafeteria Part 6"
By: The Scary Clown
This is the sequel to "The Cafeteria Parts 1, 3, 4 & 5" and "racecaR"
WARNING: May be VERY scary, than again, may not be.
Jennie grabbed Geoff's arm. "We have to go back."
"O.k., but where are the others?" Jennie turned around.
Anna and Jimmy stood behind her.
The dark figure grabbed Joe and Matilda. He shoved them into the freezer. Kelly and Adam were no where to be seen. The other kids didn't notice.
"He must have got them!" said Anna.
"Let's not lose our heads," said Jimmy.
"I don't want to, but you never know what the man has in store," said Jennie.
"I have a plan," said Geoff. He told them.
"HELP! I'm scared!" said Anna very loudly. She stood in the middle of the hall. The man saw her and began to sneak up behind her. He was just about to grab her.
Then Jimmy and Geoff rushed out. They shoved him to the left and Jennie ran out and began wrapping jump ropes from the gym around him. Soon he was sitting on the ground, tied up. What they didn't notice, was he was now only half his height.
"Now we find out who you really are," said Jennie.
You finish it!
REAL STORY: Is Your Pet Weird?
By: Jerome Wetzel
Do you have a weird pet? Take this quick quiz. It applies to birds, cats, and dogs. Sorry, I'll make a fish and hamster one later. All A answers get 1 point, all B's get 2, and all C's get 3. Add them up and compare them to the chart.
1.If your pet wants to keep you up at night it…
A. It crawls on your face and licks (or doesn't lick if a
bird) you until you wake up.
B. It tried to make you move by shoving, pecking, etc.
C. It makes a lot of noise.
2. If your pet want fed it…
A. Does nothing.
B. Whimpers and tried to lead you to the food.
C. Gets the food itself.
3. If your pet wants attention it…
A. Just watches you and your t.v., computer, etc.
B. It gets a favorite toy (ball, etc.)
C. It drags the monopoly game out and declares it's the banker.
4. If your pet is mad at you, it…
A. Ignores you
B. Tries to hurt you
C. Puts itself up for adoption.
5. If you're in a bad mood, does your pet…
A. Snuggles against you to show it cares
B. Ignores you.
C. Buys you flowers and a get well card.
5-6 points Perfectly normal
7-11 points (like my birds) has a few annoying habits, but not insane
12-15 Are you sure your pet isn't your brother?
Spoof:
D3000: The Not So Mighty Geese
By: Barley, Captain of the team
Rated PG
"I will now sign these contracts to ban the Geese from our Adan Hallway Academy…" said the dean in front on the assembly. IN the audience lots of extras, Varsity players, and a couple or transfer Geese watched.
Then the stage collapsed as the local Geese, including Barley crashed into it. "Hi, we're the Geese," said Barley.
"Hey! I bet the Varsity will get our clothes all dry!" said a Geese badbrother, Fulcrum.
"How do you know?" asked Barley.
"Are you the only one that hasn't read the script?" asked a transfer Geese player named Russel.
"What are we going to do?" asked the Geese ex-goalie, Silverburg.
"Let's burn their clothes!" said the new goalie, another transfer student, Blueie.
"YEAH!"
"Now team, no touching Varsity until our big game," said the new coach, Coach O'Brien, which was really their old coach with a makeover.
"I love you," said Barley.
"Why?"
"I just do."
"Fine! Quit the team. Anyone else."
"I do!" said Fulcrum.
"Bye."
"I don't wanna be on the team!" said Fulcrum.
"Me neither," said Barley.
"I'll bring back the missing Geese badbrother, Dockwoman," said the old coach, Fishsticks Bomblake.
"O.k.!" said Fulcrum.
"I guess," said Barley.
"Let's put spiders in the Varsitys' rooms," said Russel.
"Why?" asked Blueie.
"They're going to make us buy an expensive dinner," said Fulcrum.
"How did you…" asked Barley. "Wait! You read the script."
"Big varsity game," said the dorky announcer. "Of course the Geese will win because it's a Geese movie, but let's all act like we're surprised anyway."
Dockwoman shoved a player through glass.
"163282 minute penalty!" said the ref.
"Oh my,." said the announcer. "Dockwoman is actually PUTTING ON CLOTHES in the penalty box."
"YEAH!" squealed the crowd.
"You make this shot, we win," said O'Brien to Silverburg.
"O.k. Easy."
"But give the puck to Barley first and act like you're scared."
"O.k. I want my mommy! Score!" The game was over. The Geese won.
The End
Goodbye
By: Jerome Wetzel
Goodbye. Thanks for reading. See you next time.
Quote
PICARD (Patrick Stewart): After all, Number One, it's not like we'll live forever.
RIKER (Jonathan Frakes): Speak for yourself! I plan on being immortal. ~ Star Trek: Generations