July 4th, 1998
Volume One, Issue Seven
Welcome to the Festivities ~ Jerome Wetzel, Editor
Interview with Unc Samantha ~ Dirty Rat, * Reporter
4th Funny Shorts ~ Mr. I. M. Funnie
The Horror Story of the Week: "Cafeteria Part 7 - The
Conclusion" ~ The Scary Clown
REAL STORY: What firework are you like? ~ Jerome Wetzel
Spoof: Interdependent Night ~ Capt. Steev
Goodbye ~ Jerome Wetzel
Quote ~ Unknown
Welcome to the Festivities
By: Jerome Wetzel, Editor
#7 is a special issue. We will celebrate the United States of America's Independence Day. For those of you in other countries not familiar with the holiday, I will include a brief description: Every year on July 4th millions of Americans celebrate their independence from Great Britain. This is during our summer. The colors for the holiday are our nation's colors: red, white, and blue. Among our favorite things are the fireworks: big, colorful explosions in the air. There are several small versions for home use on that day, but there are some massive versions for city displays. They are awesome! The typical foods for the day (and summer) are hot dogs and hamburgers, and maybe some corn on the cob. A figure of the holiday is Uncle Sam, a fictional character who wants everyone to be patriotic. Enjoy this issue! *NOTE: all stories and interviews are NOT necessarily true (except the REAL story and quote) and if you don't like it, too bad!
Interview With Unc Samantha
Interview by Dirty Rat, our * Reporter
D.R.: Where are you from?
U.S.: The ASU of course!
D.R.: And what is your favorite holiday?
U.S.: Um, the 5th of June!
D.R.: What are your least favorite colors?
U.S.: Red, white, and blue!
D.R.: What would you say to other ASU citizens?
U.S.: Move to Japan!
D.R.: Any advice for people?
U.S.: Yeah! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! And never join the army.
4th Funny Shorts
By Mr. I. M. Funnie
#1 What kind of fireworks can you eat?
Fire crackers!
#2 What kind of fire work is the smartest?
A strobe light. It's really bright!
#3 Who is your favorite relative?
Uncle Sam - he makes you feel wanted, I mean he has signs saying "I want you!"
#4 What is your favorite animal?
Hot dogs! I love them on the 4th of July.
#5 What is the best firework for you?
Cherry bombs!
Horror Story of the Week:
"Cafeteria Part 7"
By: The Scary Clown
This is the conclusion to "The Cafeteria Parts 1, 3, 4 5, & 6" and "racecaR"
WARNING: May be VERY scary, than again, may not be.
Just then, the bottom half of the man grabbed Anna. No one noticed. Anna was soon in the freezer.
"Ah, ha!" said Jennie, pulling off the hat and scarf of the man. A mask hid the guy's face.
The bottom half of the man pulled Jimmy into the freezer.
"Ah, ha!" Jennie pulled off the mask. Another mask was in place.
The bottom half of the man grabbed Geoff and locked him in the freezer.
"Ah, ha!" crowed Jennie. She pulled off the mask. There sat her friend Kelly. "Kelly!"
"It was just a joke!"
The bottom half of the man grabbed Jennie.
She screamed.
"It's just me," said Adam.
"What's going on?" asked Jennie.
"We were all still sore because you tricked us all into eating dog poop when you said the cook's meat surprise was good," said Kelly.
"We fooled you with an elaborate plan," said Adam.
"Where are the others?"
"Still in the freezer."
"Let's get them out!" Jennie ran and opened the freezer. No one was inside. She took another step in. Then Adam shoved her in the rest of the way.
Adam and Kelly laughed as they locked the freezer.
The End
Give me a new horror story!
REAL STORY: What firework are you most like?
By: Jerome Wetzel
Do you have a wild personalitity? Do you explode at every turn? Take this quick quiz. All A answers get 1 point, all B's get 2, and all C's get 3. Add them up and compare them to the chart.
1.If someone calls you a dork you…
A. Blow it off.
B. Retort and call them an idiot.
C. Explode and try to beat them up.
2. If you find out you're going to an amusement park you…
A. Act like you never heard it.
B. Say "Great, can I invite a friend?"
C. Jump up and down and cheer for 2 hours.
3. If your friend is coming over you…
A. Notice him /her come in.
B. Wait at the window.
C. Run towards his / her house and try to get there before he / she leaves.
4. If you find out your parents are going to have a baby you…
A. Don't miss a bite of your dinner.
B. Drop your fork, shocked.
C. Cheer and run out and start buying toys for it.
5. If it is the first day of school you…
A. Drag yourself out of bed and to school
B. Get up just on time and go to school, mildly excited.
C. Get up at 3 a.m., pack a gourmet lunch, do some studying, and get to school and hour early.
5-6 points Party Popper - out burst a little confetti, but that's it
7-11 points (I'm a 10) Sparkler - normal, everyday life, not at all eccentric
12-15 points RED, WHITE, AND BOOM! Material! You are like the big city fireworks. Take a chill pill.
Spoof:
Independent Night
By: Capt. Steev, Martian killer
Rated PG-13 for violence
"Um, I think I found Martians," said a weird looking dude who was actually Een Mallcome, acting as a t.v. guy to hide from the Z-Rex that ate his leg.
"Really?" said his boss.
"I'm not sure…"
"Get out of my face."
"O.k. Hey dad! Let's go to D.C. I am going to make up a story about Martians so my ex-wife will talk to me."
"O.k." 5 minutes later…
"We're here."
"That was fast," said the dad.
"We only drove across sound stages."
"Ahh! There are Martians! Real martians!" said the president. "Let's get out of here." He grabbed his daughter and ran towards air force one.
"It was just a joke," said Een.
"Then, what's that?" asked his ex-wife, pointing to a giant bowl floating over the white house.
"Red alert!" said the dad. The three jumped on the plane.
"I have to go," said Capt. Steev. "Here is a map. It will tell you where to hide, where to find and lose a pick up, where to pick up the first lady, and where to meet me in Area 51."
"O.k.," said his wife.
"Um, dad, there are Martians."
"Finally! A way to commit suicide as a hero. On to Area51!"
"I'll be fine, sir." Lt. Com. Information stepped into a time capsule with a stamp marked Area51.
"O.k." said Captain Pieace.
"I'm Dr. Information, head of Area 51. Welcome. You guys can come inside except the drunk man. He has to make everyone else stay out."
"ALIENS!" said Information's assitant. Information ran into the alien room. An alien was attacking. He hid in the corner of the room and reactivated his time capsule.
"Let's fly," said the president.
"Can you fly?" asked Een.
"No."
"O.k. Me and Steev will go to the fathership. You and the drunk can fly."
"O.k." He ran out and got in a plane. After letting the drunk fly up and get abducted, he ran away.
Steev and Een approached the ship. A big alien docked them.
"How are we going to escape?" asked Een.
"But on your Barney costumes," said Steev.
"I'm afraid of dinosaurs!"
"Then put on your Captain Pane costume." The martians saw Capt. Pane and Barney and were immediately frightened. They let them go. Then they set their ship to self destruct.
All around the world the martians died.
"YEAH!" cheered the humans. Another exciting Sunday afternoon.
The End
Goodbye
By: Jerome Wetzel
Goodbye. Thanks for reading. See you next time.
Quote
"All good things must come to an end." ~ Unknown